Sunset

This is tonight's sunset from my driveway. All of the clouds and we are supposed to get more rain. I got more pics than just this one tonight. About ten minutes earlier I was out getting a few and it was sprinkling rain. I asked God for a rainbow to see. I turned around and saw a really faint one. I then asked if He could make it more brilliant so I knew my camera would get it. I felt in my heart to get what pics I could and just to wait. So I did.

When I got back inside, I did an auto correct on my photo software and got this pic. Original first.




See the difference? (Besides the computer being stubborn about centering the pics....)

The lesson I got out of this first of all is to trust beyond what I can see.... So hard.... The other thought I had is the lens we see with vs the lens the camera sees with. What am I saying? How does the world view our special gems versus how we and our close ones view our children? The world too often doesn't see beyond the face, an ability or lack of, the wheelchair, etc. Yet we are the first ones to see beyond that. Bias? Perhaps it is. However the way I see it, we have to find the beauty in the storms in life, in our children, in others before those around us will. We have to find the beauty in the sunset as night sets in. Even in the night we can find beauty, if we are looking for it.

Just something to think on.

~ Special Momma ~

Beauty from ashes

As I talked about yesterday (Well, day before yesterday..) many times what we see, want, think burns down. We are going along with our plans, our lives then BOOM! It crashes upon us. It crushes us and causes us pain. When we face the storms, what is left is the ashes. What is left has to be rebuilt but it won't be the same.We must rise up and find the beauty from the ashes.

The truth is, suffering is a universal human experience, it is not dependent on a diagnosis. We are all broken people living in a broken world. None of us are exempt from suffering.
~ Ellen Stumbo ~

"When the storm passes and the sun shines again, it's clear to see the damage. The heartache truly sets in as we begin a new journey."
~ Susan Guy ~

Yet sometimes what does get rebuilt, the new journey becomes better then what we had before. Often what gets rebuilt, we see the blessings in that too. We are never the same but we do change.

My first pregnancy went well. I never dreamed or imagined that we would begin a life of medical appointments and surgeries. That reality didn't sink in till we got the first official diagnosis when she was three months old. My next two pregnancies I was more aware. When I miscarried, I went through the grief of it. The day my angel would have been due, I found out I was pregnant with my son. The whole pregnancy I wanted to enjoy but couldn't totally because of the fears of another loss. The miscarriage changed me. Yet on the flip side, it made me more grateful and more willing to enjoy the little things. Beauty from the ashes.

The day my childrens' pediatrician confirmed the craniofacial with my son, I had to find the beauty in the ashes. And I have. His laugh is contagious and he flirts with everyone. That's just the start. When I found out he has Chiari Malformation, I had to find the beauty in that. I am honestly still trying for that one..... Yet I have no regrets. I do not! My children no matter what are worth it. God gave me my two gems and they will indeed shine as God allows them to and they are willing to.

Those who know who my children are, know they are special gems. Literally.

No matter how dark the storm, crash, trial, etc is, beauty, the rainbow, light, etc can always be found. Even if it's just a sliver, it is still there. God uses these storms to help us grow in our faith.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Waiting
Abiding
In
Trust!
W-A-I-T

Always remember this on your journey as well. It's not always easy, that's for sure....

~ Special Momma ~

Crashing

"But rains pour down upon us, storm clouds darken the skies and we get lost in the storm. Have you been there? Wandering in the darkness, crying out only to be greeted with utter silence?"
~ Lesley Hitchens ~

When I was pregnant with my son, there was some speculation to if he would have the same craniofacial issues that my daughter does. The marker given would be the Brachycephaly. He was due July 4th but arrived June 13th after labor started via c-section thanks to him being breech. My OB teased about him being a butthole baby because he decided to try to come butt first the last second. lol When he came out and soon after started crying, I cried. I had a miscarriage (March 19th, 2013 no heartbeat) before him and on what would have been my angel's due date, that was the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. My rainbow after the storm, my rainbow baby. My OB followed me in both pregnancies and was the most supportive of our decisions. If we ever have anymore children, I will keep using him. We had someone else for my pregnancy with my daughter though the OB I had after is the one who delivered my daughter.

Anyway,

When my son was born, they said likely craniofacial. Before breakfast the following morning, the pediatrician walked in and confirmed it. My hormones helped nothing....I cried. I cried because I hurt from the cesarean, I cried because I was honestly mad at God for allowing my son to have to face the same as my daughter and honestly, I cried because I blamed myself for it. The nurse who was on duty that day held me as I cried. She soothed me as I just let it all out. Then she got me pain meds.

Soon after I got this card with my breakfast.

I knew there would be a chance but that moment with the pediatrician, my world crashed all over again. Many times since my daughter's first diagnosis, we have dealt with crashes in one way or another. During those times, I know I have not handled them the best way possible. Who really does? I had times of yelling at God to cursing myself for not being good enough to thinking that what my children have to go through was my own atonement, God punishing me. Both of my children have more then the primary diagnosis. I still struggle to not figure it all out. Figure out the why's and who to blame, which usually our nature is to blame God.

Many times we have had to face the ashes of what we thought we would have, could have, should have had. We have built our dreams, our wishes, our wants but then it burns down and all that remains is charred dreams and ashes. Beauty can come from ashes though. We expected Italy eight years ago and got Holland. Now we have two in Holland. Beauty from ashes. I will post about that tomorrow. 

Stay tuned.
"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." Joan Ryan, The Water Giver: The Story of a Mother, a Son and Their Second Chance

Blessings!
~ Special Momma ~





I posted this HERE as well. That blog is different from this one but yet some posts can really be shared here as well.