I have copied a blog post over to here that really struck at me today. Mommies of Miracles shared it.
http://www.bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.com/2013/02/why-blame-mom.html
"Historically
it's been mothers who are blamed when children are born with
disabilities. In earlier times we were thought to have sinned, while
today the belief that women can prevent birth defects, by what we do or
don't do during pregnancy, is rampant. And so is its unfortunate
corollary: that women who give birth to a child with a disability caused
it.
Public health messages that suggest mothers can prevent most defects by taking care of themselves during pregnancy abound.
According to the U.S Department of Health and Human Services website, a healthy baby is the outcome of these five steps:
Five Ways To Have A Healthy Pregnancy and Baby
1. See a doctor or other health-care provider from the start of your pregnancy.
2. Don't drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or take drugs.
3. Eat healthy foods, including fruits, vegetables, low-fat milk, eggs, cheese and grains.
4. Take good care of your health and exercise sensibly.
5. Have your baby checked by a doctor or health-care provider right after birth and throughout childhood.
More
current information (including the importance of folic acid and risks
associated with obesity and diabetes) is listed at the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control.
Yet we know from the March of Dimes that the cause of most birth defects—up to 70 per cent—is
unknown. It follows that in most cases a woman can't control whether
her baby is born with or without a disability (unless she aborts a child
diagnosed prenatally). I bet you most mothers of children with
disabilities followed the five tips above to the letter.
So why are we led to believe our baby's health rests solely in our hands?
Consider this Healthy Babies Are Worth The Wait t-shirt I found as part of the Prematurity Campaign on the March of Dimes website.
What
is the meaning of this, I thought? Women don't choose to have premature
babies because they're impatient. Most preterm labour, in fact, can't
be prevented. "Our analysis shows that the current potential for preterm
birth prevention is shockingly small," said Dr. Joy Lawn of Save the
Children, who led the first multi-country study looking at the causes of premature births and how to reduce them, published in The Lancet last November. So why suggest that women can control premature births?
Apparently
the Healthy Babies Are Worth The Wait initiative targets women who
consider scheduling a C-section before 39 weeks. "If possible, it's best
to stay pregnant for at least 39 weeks," says the article.
This
campaign won't touch the rate of premature births, which declined in
only three countries of 65 from 1990 to 2010 according to The Lancet
study. That's because asking your obstetrician for an early C-section
isn't a major contributing factor.
But
how will a mom of a preemie with disabilities feel when she reads that
t-shirt message? What if a sibling of the child with disability reads
the shirt and asks Mom why she didn't wait?
Yesterday I read about a new March of Dimes book called Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby in this New York Times' article: Too Many Pills in Pregnancy.
According
to the Amazon description, Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby
empowers "mothers-to-be... with more information and positive steps than
have ever been available before to ensure both a healthy pregnancy and a healthy, happy newborn."
What?
If most causes of birth defects are unknown, "positive steps" taken in pregnancy can't guarantee a healthy baby.
The
book is mentioned in an article in which the American Food and Drug
Association estimates that at least 10 percent of birth defects result
from medications taken during pregnancy. According to the article, a
recent study shows inaccuracies in online information about which drugs
are safe, which means women who choose the Internet over a doctor's
consult may receive faulty advice.
That's
critical information for women, and I can't imagine anyone arguing that
we shouldn't carefully weigh the risks and benefits of medication use
with informed doctors.
But don't suggest that healthy moms who do all the right things during pregnancy have healthy babies!
Titles like Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby
feed this magical thinking. And they reinforce the popular fallacy that
mothers of disabled children did something wrong to cause their child's
condition.
In a recent piece called Pregnancy and blame on
Conversations, an Australian news site, author Kathryn Knight writes
about how simplistic public health messages about birth-defect
prevention diffuse into the culture. We all know parents who've been
been the recipient—at school or on the playground—of judgmental questions like: What went wrong? Didn't you get the test? Why didn't you terminate?
And that line of questioning isn't limited to an uninformed public.
I have a son with a rare genetic condition. The way a researcher described it, when my chromosome 8—let's call it a green ribbon—exchanged
parts with my husband's chromosome 8, a red ribbon, to produce a
striped red-and-green ribbon, a minute piece was left out. That random
error at conception caused his disabilities.
Yet
to this day (he's 18) I'm asked by health providers for a detailed
pregnancy and delivery history. "But the genetic condition occurred at
conception," I will implore, as the 20 questions about my pregnancy are
trotted out. "It had ALREADY happened!"
A blog in Three To Be's Parent Advocacy Link yesterday had a similar theme:
"When
Maclain was born, I blamed myself very heavily for a long time," writes
Brenda Ferland Agnew. "It was my fault that one of my twins had died. I
should have known sooner that something was wrong. I should have gotten
to the hospital sooner. If I had done things differently both of my
babies would have survived, and Maclain wouldn’t have been born so
early. I could have prevented his brain damage if I had done something
more. I carried this with me everywhere I went, with every move I made.
It ate away at me, and kept me awake at night...
"A
year and a half after his birth, we received confirmation that
Maclain’s brain damage was caused by a condition known as Kernicterus.
He was not treated for jaundice, and this was what caused his cerebral
palsy and his hearing loss. We had suspected it for a few months, and
after a visit to our neurologist, we got a letter that ruled out his
brain damage having been a result of any intrauterine insults, or
because of the Twin to Twin Transfusion...
"I
was so angry that I had been made to feel by all the medical
professionals, that my son had disabilities because of something I had
done wrong."
We have less control over a myriad of things that can happen to a fetus than books like Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby—or Five Ways To Have a Healthy Baby tip sheets—would have us believe.
Let's
speak the truth about how much we don't know about the causes of
childhood disability and, more importantly, how to prevent it. Let's
tell the truth about how Healthy Mom can just as easily produce
Unhealthy Baby, or Healthy Baby with a Disability (because disability is
not necessarily synonymous with poor health!).
Every
mom wants what's best for her baby. In most cases when congenital
problems are found, it's not because of something we "did." "
So, those of you that have children, how many of you were blamed for one thing or another about your children? I have on several occasions. I have been told it would be cruel of me to have other children, I have asked for this journey to be harder because I chose to have my son anyway, etc. I even have blamed myself..... Thinking when we have been in really rough patches with my daughter that what was happening to her was my atonement.... God's judgment on me for something I had done in the past. Lies, yes but we all have had guilt at one time or another. The hardest part sometimes is seeing past the lies and knowing that they are indeed lies.... All of our children are blessings no matter what "label" is on them.
I'm going to end my post with this:
To all us "special" mommies!
Did you ever wonder how mothers of disabled children were chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over the earth selecting his
instruments of propagation with great care and deliberation. As He
observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"This one gets a daughter. The Patron saint will be Cecelia"
"This one gets twins. The Patron saint will be Matthew"
"This one gets a son. The Patron saint.....give her Gerard.
He's used to profanity" Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a disabled child".
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy"
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a disabled child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel!"
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea
of sorrow and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll
handle it. I watched her today, she has that feeling of self and
independence that is so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm
going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her
world and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you"
God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness"
The angel gasps - "Selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally
she won't survive. Yes here is a woman whom I will bless with a child
less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider
any 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time she
will be present at a miracle and will know it. I will permit her to see
clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty and prejudice...and allow
her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side
every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as
surely as if she is here by my side"
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles ..............."A mirror will suffice"
Cheers!
~ Special Momma ~
) Take a look at the picture- INTEGRATION is NOT INCLUSION.
