Walking in the night

 "Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door."
~ Martha Manning ~

"I may not be out of the dark yet. I may not be standing in full sunshine. But the moon has risen in the dark, and it’s full, and it’s bright, and I can imagine the sunlight on the horizon. For now, that’s enough."
Quoted from HERE
 
Night is the most silent time. You hear absolutely nothing, except the normal tinnitus in your ears, it's silent. Silence..... Actions speak louder then words but silence often is the loudest thing of all.

 Acceptance is seeing with your heart, not with your eyes.
~Unknown ~


I wrote the following on my Facebook page.

It's like we belong in the special needs/craniofacial community yet we don't. It's like we are in this gray. We seem to belong in neither group yet we are far from a typical family either.
Just thoughts running in my head again..... Wishing my daughter had friends who would visit with her in Dallas who knows her battle scars. Yet her battle scars are few compared to many others in the craniofacial community. So few relate to any of this journey here.....
Black and white doesn't exist. Only gray.

Too often I just feel out of place yet in place.... Make any sense? It's like I relate more to Facebook then anywhere else. Crazy but honest....

One response I got back was "Each of us have experiences and love for the special needs communities and yet at the same time lack so much information depending on the degree and/or severity of the disability. The special needs world is filled with rainbow colors, a beautiful landscaping and environments, and amazing opportunities, but this also causes shadows on the ground (or gray areas) too. Just know you belong to something greater, even if we don't all always speak the same special needs language" This came from a friend who has a sister that had severe disabilities but now that she is in heaven, she is in a perfect body now.

What a way to describe Holland!

Yesterday my son had a minor surgery done. I call it a procedure even though it was technically surgery. He was born with a lip tie. The ENT we have for my daughter did his procedure too. It went great, no issues. We got to recovery and he was ready to nurse right away. I'll always know the gas anesthesia smell from a mile away..... His breath reeked of it. Normal. It's the same stuff used on my daughter and will be used in the future for both kids as well. Just one of many smells that always bring you back to reality sometimes. On the way home, she told him she was proud of how brave and strong he was. It took me everything not to cry..... My two living children will share a bond that not many siblings get the chance to share. My friend Celeste is right. I really do have two special gems that are rare.
"We were given not one but two children with rare disorders..... Some people do not understand our willingness to try for a second child, but they do not see nor do they comprehend the depth of true honest mothering. Two children each we have with disorders listed on the top 100 rare disorders..... Tell them we choose to see them as the gems they are, and if they would look at them as we do, they would see..... We have two rare gems, the kind gemologists find only once in a lifetime..... The kind listed on the top 100 rare and most coveted gems.... And we have two......"

Sometimes this journey is full of sunshine but often it is storms followed by rainbows. Often the rainbows are glorious to see. So is chocolate and caffeine while riding the storms out. :D

"I read a story once about a person who was walking in a field.  As they walked along they noticed all the weeds and dead grass as well as brush lying around.  Suddenly to their surprise, there, in the middle of all of that mess, was a beautiful flower.  It had bloomed out so beautifully and seemed to shine there.  The thought came to this person’s mind, Bloom where you’re planted.  It is a wonderful example for us as children of the Most High God.  Sometimes we are in places or situations where it seems hopeless and we don’t understand why God has placed us there or we don’t understand how we could possibly do anything for God there at all.  However, if we decide, that wherever we are, no matter how bleak, or sad, no matter how much of a mess is around us, no matter how dark it may be, we can purpose in our hearts to bloom where we are planted and God will honor that and use our lives for His Glory to bring others to Himself."
http://www.worldsundayschool.com/lessons/bloom.html I am reminded of the numerous times I have driven on I-40 to and from Arkansas Children's. There in the middle of the highway among the cracks, I often see weeds growing. Little soil, heat from the sun, cars all around them yet they grow. Blooming where they are planted, as should we..... Sometimes I am content with where I am, sometimes I am far from it.....

Made by Vinyl Me This for me. I created the wording and design. Angela recreated it better then I had it thought out.

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."  ~ Mandy Halce ~

Imagine what my two children will accomplish though? Seriously! Despite all of the unacceptably in this world, imagine what my two could go out and do in this world with their stories? My daughter already has. Imagine what my son will do? What they can and will accomplish together.

So as each day ends and the next begins, it's time for me to go back out there, hold my head high and plow the road. May I always leave a fighting legacy for my children. May they at least know that throughout the years that we raise them, that we never gave up nor gave in. May they learn that no matter how dark the world is or even how dark some days are that they endure, to always go down fighting and always fighting to stand back up. That no matter how dark some days are, it isn't over till God has the clock stop. Or as the saying goes, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings."

Cheers!
~ Special Momma ~


http://youtu.be/XI-oz8bThIc


I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where You are

I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But You're the one who can hear my hear

Even though I don't know what Your plan is
I know You make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call Your name
Here's my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
'Cause You've been here from the very start

Even though I don't know what Your plan is
I know You make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call Your name
Here's my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah