Ashley & Lennon Picco. I don't know if you have heard of them or read about them. Chris, the husband and father lost both within a few days. Here is the video that went viral. It's things like that that make you think. Makes you know to be grateful for where you are and what you have no matter where it is. It should make everyone thankful for their loved ones, no matter what. It made me cry and hug my children more. It also did make me think of the miscarriage I had in 2013.
It also brings me to want to talk about how we accept differences. We judge a book by it's cover. Admit it. We look at others and judge them, good or bad. We all do it. You look at that young teenage girl and see she has all the popular trends and think she's spoiled or her parents are rich right? What you don't know is she got all of that herself working. You look at that mother out there who is always dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt with her hair all matted up and think she's lazy when in fact, she recently got back from an appointment with her child and is dealing with bad news. She won't be able to work for a while and she doesn't know how the budget will make it. Or you see a child with intellectual disabilities and assume that child has had something done to him to make that happen or the mother didn't take care of herself in her pregnancy. What you don't know is that he was born premature thanks to a placental abruption and had a brain bleed at birth where he wasn't expected to survive at all.
So then why does society as a whole still judge? Why most of all do we blame the mom for the disabilities/medical issues a child has? I loved THIS article I read this morning on just that. "We have less control over a myriad of things that can happen to a fetus than books like Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby—or Five Ways To Have a Healthy Baby tip sheets—would have us believe." And "Let's speak the truth about how much we don't know about the causes of childhood disability and, more importantly, how to prevent it. Let's tell the truth about how Healthy Mom can just as easily produce Unhealthy Baby, or Healthy Baby with a Disability (because disability is not necessarily synonymous with poor health!). Every mom wants what's best for her baby. In most cases when congenital problems are found, it's not because of something we "did.""
Is that why many moms like me all too often feel like an outcast? The elephant in the room that nobody wants to see or hear?
That same website had this post. "I’m the invisible mom. You’ve seen me—the mom with the son with the visible disability. his is the part about inclusion that’s hard. Most days I breeze past, pretending I don’t care that I’m not standing with those neighborhood moms in their Lululemon outfits, baseball hats and ballerina flats. When I’m feeling vulnerable, I put my own hat on and charge past, willing myself not to look up lest my eyes fill with tears."
She also shares, "I once heard the head of inclusive education for our school board give a presentation about building friendship opportunities for our children. “You parents of children with special needs need to make an extra effort,” she said smugly.
That comment infuriated me at the time and it infuriates me now. She told us to host "extra fun" parties at our house and invite children from the classroom. Her message was that we need to overcompensate for our kids, because they'll be excluded by parents of typical children." Now that's not fair is it? That is telling 'normal' kids that they don't have to reach out to others but to make the 'different' ones reach out. Judging much?
So what can we do about this??
The research tells us this:
“Adolescents who had social experiences with peers with severe disabilities perceived that as a result of these interactions:
• their self-concept improved;
• they grew in social cognition;
• they were more tolerant of others;
• fear of human differences was reduced;
• they developed personal principles; and
• they developed relaxed and accepting friendships.”
-Peck, Donaldson, and Pezzoli (1990)
But then why does it happen? Why do we teach our children to accept and befriend others yet so many adults make examples like this? "Do as I say not as I act" society? I think it's worse then that. My children have medical issues. They 'look different' then what society says is acceptable. I have heard the comments. They make me sad yet infuriate me at the same time. And guess what? It's not other kids who say those things most of the time. It's adults. Adults who should know better.
"A community who excludes one is not a community at all." But I think the biggest issue here is the attitude and stigmas that are still very rampant out there. Society says that those with disabilities no matter how severe, are not a use to society. I beg to differ. Those of us in Holland will be ready to tell you that the biggest lesson our children teach us isn't just acceptance but unconditional love. Because that is how they love. And that folks is what really matters. We will know we are all accepted by the love we give one another. Love is after all the universal language. And as long as we exclude even one person from our community, then how will others learn to accept?
I strongly encourage you to read Wonder by R.J Palacio. That will help give a perspective for those who don't know what Holland is. Yet as I'm reminded daily, Holland has incredible blessings, no matter what our children face. So choose kind and remember that beyond the face is a heart. Remember this the next time you or someone you know stares at someone who is 'different' or worse, judges with comments or actions. Remember, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. God brought all of us here to learn something and to be something.
You never know what you do today will result in tomorrow.
Late Fragment
By Raymond Carver
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Cheers!
~ Special Momma ~
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