Before
I start this, I'm going to share why on a chilly morning I was walking
my daughter to school. I'm glad for the over sized coat I have. It allows
me to wrap my son up in my Moby and put my coat zipped up over him to
keep both of us warm. It's not a long walk but it takes about 15 minutes
one way. Not bad. We have been down to one car for a month now. It
costs too much to fix hubby's car vs what the car is actually worth. Yet
we are closing on a house soon so we can't replace his car yet. That's
why the walking.
Today walking home, I'm usually lost in thoughts most days. I was thinking about an approaching IEP meeting and how that might go after getting neuropsych results on my daughter. Shared in their blog. Shortly after heading home, I saw a girl sitting on a sidewalk away from everyone. She was a ways out from anyone else. Many other children were playing but this child was sitting there watching. Why? That was the first thought in my head. I couldn't help myself, as I was walking I kept looking at her. Watching and waiting to see if anyone would go by her. I did watch a boy walk past her with no thought. Was she sitting there in solitude just to watch or did she feel isolated and alone? Was she waiting on someone or just waiting for the class bell to ring just to get through another day? That I will never know. Yet I sit here still thinking about her.
Was she alone because she truly wanted to be? Was she at peace or was her heart in pain? Was she crying out for someone to bring her attention yet didn't say anything? Was she feeling like she is alone in this world walking without anyone through this journey called life? Those I will never know either. Yet just her sitting there stirred up my heart to write about it to whomever reads this.
It also made me think of my own journey. How many times have I struggled with feeling like I was lost in a sea of faces? How many times have I felt myself sitting in a room, everyone talking around me yet I'm alone in my thoughts because it's as if I'm not there or I'm the elephant in the room? Of course nobody will come out and say it. It has to be swept under the rug. I have children who aren't typical kids. So be it. I'm s stay at home mom. So be it. I have no regrets of that. We don't have much of what many here have. So be it. Yet we all walk a journey. We don't know what anyone else has going on nor what today will bring. As I shared yesterday in here this quote, "I’m the invisible mom. You’ve seen me—the mom with the son with the visible disability. his is the part about inclusion that’s hard. Most days I breeze past, pretending I don’t care that I’m not standing with those neighborhood moms in their Lululemon outfits, baseball hats and ballerina flats. When I’m feeling vulnerable, I put my own hat on and charge past, willing myself not to look up lest my eyes fill with tears."
Was that how that child was feeling today? Yesterday? Every day?
Why?
Yet we don't know what the day will bring. A friend recently started her day out like any other day. Then tragedy struck. Yet a miracle happened. They have a long way to go in their journey but their journey changed. They will never be the same. Things happen in our lives that forever changed us. Going from single to married. Going from just the two of you to falling pregnant and having your child. Some though miscarriage/stillbirth others though perfect deliveries. Those change us. Hearing your child has a diagnosis changes you. You can recall dates like that. You know when surgeries were just as easily as you know when they were born. The day you hold your dying child after a long time of struggling and watch her pass before your very eyes is something never forgotten...... The day you go into an ultrasound expecting to hear a heartbeat and don't...... That's never forgotten. You never forget those storms.... Yet rainbows come from storms as well.
As I sit here nursing my son, my rainbow baby, I think of his journey ahead. He has no idea nor do I. I do know he will face hospitals, appointments and surgeries. I do know that his sister will be walking with him through it. She has been though this phase herself. Will that make their bond stronger? Both kids will have the same scans and appointments come March. Parallel journeys yet totally different.
My journey with my children will change as the years progress yet I hope to never stop learning. I pray that my wisdom and faith grows and that my tears are never in vain.
The question is, will we all also slow down enough in our crazy lives to look around and see who needs a hand reached out to them or will we just walk past with no regard to them? Will we help others when they need it or just leave them alone because we don't want to deal with them and whatever they have going on? How long will those who feel isolated be isolated in this world? How long must they feel lost in the sea of faces before someone offers to walk a leg of the journey with them? How long will they cry out to be heard and understood? How many tears will fall that only God can count? How long will they stand alone with nobody else?
It's up to you to make a difference.
Think about it.
~ Special Momma ~
Lost
By : Carol Andrews
11-7-14
I could feel you within my heart
but the storms in the night pulled you away from me.
I called out your name but I can't speak above the thunder.
The rain is pouring out, beating upon my ravaged soul.
I reach for you but you aren't there.
I know you are out there but you are far away from me.
I can't feel you beside me now.
Where are you now?
Are you lost, or is it me?
Will I find you again?
I feel alone in the darkness without you.
I know I will see you again but when?
I can barely hear you with you so far.
Are you still in this storm or are you on shore?
If you are looking for me, leave your footprints on the midnight shore.
I may someday find you again.
Are you searching for me?
Can you see the storm tearing me apart at sea?
Will I ever find shore again?
As the night grows darker, the more blind I am.
In faith I step out toward my heart.
I am falling into despair.
The storm is drowning me to the eternal darkness.
To the place where eternal dreams are nightmares.
As I take my last breath I plea to you.
"Save me!" I whispered, as the darkness drowns me.
I look up and you are grasping the hand that is above my head.
I feel you pulling me up from the depths of hell.
I feel your strong grip as you shield me from the storm.
"Where were you Lord when I needed you?"
"I was there, you only had to call out to me."
Inspired from the song Hymn for the Missing by RED
Today walking home, I'm usually lost in thoughts most days. I was thinking about an approaching IEP meeting and how that might go after getting neuropsych results on my daughter. Shared in their blog. Shortly after heading home, I saw a girl sitting on a sidewalk away from everyone. She was a ways out from anyone else. Many other children were playing but this child was sitting there watching. Why? That was the first thought in my head. I couldn't help myself, as I was walking I kept looking at her. Watching and waiting to see if anyone would go by her. I did watch a boy walk past her with no thought. Was she sitting there in solitude just to watch or did she feel isolated and alone? Was she waiting on someone or just waiting for the class bell to ring just to get through another day? That I will never know. Yet I sit here still thinking about her.
Was she alone because she truly wanted to be? Was she at peace or was her heart in pain? Was she crying out for someone to bring her attention yet didn't say anything? Was she feeling like she is alone in this world walking without anyone through this journey called life? Those I will never know either. Yet just her sitting there stirred up my heart to write about it to whomever reads this.
It also made me think of my own journey. How many times have I struggled with feeling like I was lost in a sea of faces? How many times have I felt myself sitting in a room, everyone talking around me yet I'm alone in my thoughts because it's as if I'm not there or I'm the elephant in the room? Of course nobody will come out and say it. It has to be swept under the rug. I have children who aren't typical kids. So be it. I'm s stay at home mom. So be it. I have no regrets of that. We don't have much of what many here have. So be it. Yet we all walk a journey. We don't know what anyone else has going on nor what today will bring. As I shared yesterday in here this quote, "I’m the invisible mom. You’ve seen me—the mom with the son with the visible disability. his is the part about inclusion that’s hard. Most days I breeze past, pretending I don’t care that I’m not standing with those neighborhood moms in their Lululemon outfits, baseball hats and ballerina flats. When I’m feeling vulnerable, I put my own hat on and charge past, willing myself not to look up lest my eyes fill with tears."
Was that how that child was feeling today? Yesterday? Every day?
Why?
Yet we don't know what the day will bring. A friend recently started her day out like any other day. Then tragedy struck. Yet a miracle happened. They have a long way to go in their journey but their journey changed. They will never be the same. Things happen in our lives that forever changed us. Going from single to married. Going from just the two of you to falling pregnant and having your child. Some though miscarriage/stillbirth others though perfect deliveries. Those change us. Hearing your child has a diagnosis changes you. You can recall dates like that. You know when surgeries were just as easily as you know when they were born. The day you hold your dying child after a long time of struggling and watch her pass before your very eyes is something never forgotten...... The day you go into an ultrasound expecting to hear a heartbeat and don't...... That's never forgotten. You never forget those storms.... Yet rainbows come from storms as well.
As I sit here nursing my son, my rainbow baby, I think of his journey ahead. He has no idea nor do I. I do know he will face hospitals, appointments and surgeries. I do know that his sister will be walking with him through it. She has been though this phase herself. Will that make their bond stronger? Both kids will have the same scans and appointments come March. Parallel journeys yet totally different.
My journey with my children will change as the years progress yet I hope to never stop learning. I pray that my wisdom and faith grows and that my tears are never in vain.
The question is, will we all also slow down enough in our crazy lives to look around and see who needs a hand reached out to them or will we just walk past with no regard to them? Will we help others when they need it or just leave them alone because we don't want to deal with them and whatever they have going on? How long will those who feel isolated be isolated in this world? How long must they feel lost in the sea of faces before someone offers to walk a leg of the journey with them? How long will they cry out to be heard and understood? How many tears will fall that only God can count? How long will they stand alone with nobody else?
It's up to you to make a difference.
Think about it.
~ Special Momma ~
Lost
By : Carol Andrews
11-7-14
I could feel you within my heart
but the storms in the night pulled you away from me.
I called out your name but I can't speak above the thunder.
The rain is pouring out, beating upon my ravaged soul.
I reach for you but you aren't there.
I know you are out there but you are far away from me.
I can't feel you beside me now.
Where are you now?
Are you lost, or is it me?
Will I find you again?
I feel alone in the darkness without you.
I know I will see you again but when?
I can barely hear you with you so far.
Are you still in this storm or are you on shore?
If you are looking for me, leave your footprints on the midnight shore.
I may someday find you again.
Are you searching for me?
Can you see the storm tearing me apart at sea?
Will I ever find shore again?
As the night grows darker, the more blind I am.
In faith I step out toward my heart.
I am falling into despair.
The storm is drowning me to the eternal darkness.
To the place where eternal dreams are nightmares.
As I take my last breath I plea to you.
"Save me!" I whispered, as the darkness drowns me.
I look up and you are grasping the hand that is above my head.
I feel you pulling me up from the depths of hell.
I feel your strong grip as you shield me from the storm.
"Where were you Lord when I needed you?"
"I was there, you only had to call out to me."
Inspired from the song Hymn for the Missing by RED
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